Camping with Mustang's team
by WickedRocksSoMuch
Summary: What I think would happen if Roy and his team along with Ed and Al went camping for the weekend.
1. The Trip

AN: Haven't you wondered what happens when Roy and the team go camping? Find out below.

Col. Roy Mustang walked into the office with a spring in his step. The team groaned. Not another bonding trip!

Unfortunately, that was just it was. The Col sent them all home to return by 5:00 pm sharp all packed up for a camping trip!

He himself showed up half an hour late with Ed and Al tagging along behind him. Evidently they had insisted on coming too. Well, Al had and Ed didn't want to leave him with such bad influences for a whole weekend.

Everyone piled into Armstrong's van and they were off! Of course, it was a few hours away so they were in for Havoc and Breda's sing-a-long songs, Ed's whining and, of course, Hawkeye cleaning her gun when it got too loud.

The trip wasn't all that bad. After the Lieutenant loaded her gun threateningly. This made Fullmetal ask "Hey. Would she actually fire that shoot is?" The looks he got from everyone else gave him his answer. He gulped. The van was very quiet after this and for five hours nothing really happened.

After spending this long in a van with Eastern HQ's brightest and best was enough to make anyone want out. However, unlike Ed, most people don't jump out the car door screaming "FREEDOM!" and then kiss the ground. They just don't do that.

Hawkeye and Al exchanged an eye roll over that last thing. Al was pretty embarrassed. "All right men!" Col. Mustang boomed. "And Hawkeye!" He continued. "We have three tents! You will pick a name out of this hat and it will have a number! Thus we will find your roommates!"

He pulled a hat out from somewhere. (Not sure where.) and held it out. Everyone lined up, looking a little annoyed. Here's how it ended up:

Tent #1.

Hawkeye

Mustang

Ed

Tent #2.

Armstrong

Breda

Al

Tent #3.

Fuery

Falman

Havoc

Hawkeye looked down at the list that she had just created from the results of the hat. She groaned internally. She had to share a tent with the Col and Fullmetal, and since they aren't on good terms, this could get dicey.

Ed, for his part, took the news pretty well. Okay, he kinda exploded. Like, literally.

However, before Ed could strangle Mustang, Lin suddenly showed up out of nowhere for a brief cameo. Really brief. He jumped into view, distracted Ed, and then leaped away. Just like that.

While the author was busy with the distraction Breda and Armstrong had put together all the tents and were now swimming in the convenient lake that happened to be nearby.

Everyone, after a brief chat, decided to join them for a nice swim. Well, they swam and Havoc got a tan on the beach. Bad idea.

After everyone had been properly refreshed Ed and Al saw a golden opportunity. They took some makeup and put it on Havoc's sleeping face. They next poured sand onto his legs like a mermaid tail. Mustang even helped by putting sand in a bikini shape so that when Havoc finally woke up and got up...

Havoc found that he now looked more feminine than Hawkeye. He looked at everyone and they all looked very serious and such until the Lieutenant started sniggering. That was all it took.

"**What did you do**?" Screeched Havoc. "Oh, don't be a sissy, it does wonders for you!" Hawkeye enthused between giggles.

"Who did this?" Jean Havoc's voice went straight up the octave. "Oh, me, Al, Mustang and pretty much everyone else." said Ed.

But everyone was now ignoring Havoc's plight. You know why? Because it was dinner time and none of the men knew how to cook and they certainly weren't going to ask the Hawk's Eye to make their dinner.

Hawkeye let them squirm for a while before heading off to make some food for the poor blighters.

After a little while she appeared before the team (and the Elrics) laden with food. She had made them all burgers and fries.

Ed dug right in, and, seeing that he didn't keel over from poison, the others felt it was safe to consume.

Hawkeye rolled her eyes and ate her dinner, dreading what was going to come after. And, sure enough, it was terrible. The Col thought it'd be a GREAT idea to tell scary stories around the campfire.

Seven stories about the great Roy Mustang and a tale about 'Warehouse 13' later and everyone looked at Hawkeye to tell a story instead of Mustang.

She sighed and began. "When I was young, a serial killer was tormenting my town. He had been killing off young women one by one."

"Father had installed all sorts of safety precautions. Despite this, the man appeared by my bed one night. I looked him in the eye and asked if he was going to kill me."

"He said 'I haven't decided yet.' And left. Four days this occurred. I didn't tell Father. Eventually, he was found dead in a river. On him, he had a note saying that if the girl with the wise eyes saw this, that he was sorry. I haven't told this to anyone, but his ghost visits me for four days on the anniversary of that day."

Her voice lowered to a whisper. "And that's today." Hawkeye leaned back to see what her story was going to do. Havoc looked around, as did quite a few people.

However, The Col simply frowned and thought. "Something on your mind?" The Lieutenant asked him.

"Yeah," Said Mustang. "Is it the ghost behind them?" He asked, quirking a finger at the everyone else.

This caused everyone to jump, oh, about a foot in the air and scream like little girls.

Hawkeye and Mustang were grinning. "W-w-what's so funny?" demanded Breda. "Nothing, just that Mustang and I've been telling that lie for nigh on ten years now. Get's better every time." He said, smirking.

"S-so it's not true?" squeaked Fuery. "You tell me." Said Hawkeye simply.

AN: Is it true? We'll never know! Did you like it! Tell me if you did! Reviews are the Sebastian to my Butler, so please review!


	2. The Search

AN: I don't own anything. Seriously. I don't own F.M.A. :(

"Good luck getting to sleep now!" Said Hawkeye brightly. The men glanced around. Clearly, there was going to be a whole lot of nightmares and waking up.

Mustang's smile faded a bit when he realized that not only would he now have to deal with the guilt from the team about this but he had to share a tent with the shrimp!

Now, Ed was not normally telepathic. In actual fact, he's usually telepathetic. However, he heard the word shrimp and jumped at Mustang.

"WHO ARE YOU THINKING IS SO SHORT ANTS TRIP OVER THEM?" Ed screamed. "I NEVER THOUGHT THAT!" Roy cried out.

Hawkeye rolled her eyes. She cleared her throat to yell at everyone, but they all heard it and began warming up to run to their tents.

Ed looked up from where he was attempting to kill the Col at the sound of the Hawk's Eyes cocking her gun. A distinct and satisfying click sounded out through the sudden silence.

Mustang and the young alchemist separated and decided it would be a good idea to stand at attention. Well, Mustang did, Ed slumped his shoulders and glared rebelliously at Hawkeye.

The Lieutenant took this in stride. She glared at them and went to change into her pyjamas. When she got back they were at each others throats.

Hawkeye sighed before grabbing the twits by their ears and dragging them to the tent.

Everyone had been watching the exchange, but after being glared at by the single most terrifying member of the military they ducked back into their tents.

Hawkeye grinned to herself as she shoved the Col, and, after he came out, Fullmetal, in to the tent to change.

The author, at this time, decided Hawkeye should lay down a few ground rules.

"No one goes near each other. You don't try to kill each other. You don't go near me or you will suffer the extremely painful consequences. Do I make myself clear?" Hawkeye stated.

This was greeted with vigorous nods. Neither man wanted to contemplate what the Lieutenant might do. Gulp.

The now slightly worried troupe marched into the tent. Hawkeye laid out her sleeping bag and went to sleep.

Ed transmuted himself as bed. He lay down and was quickly snoring obnoxiously.

Roy rolled out his sleeping bag on the ground and lay down. He lay for hours and found that he just couldn't fall asleep... he couldn't stop thinking about Hawkeye. Again. Shoot.

After several hours Mustang finally fell asleep. Before he knew it, it was morning and he woke to find Fullmetal about to strangle him in his sleep.

And the whole world exploded. Or, rather, Mustang pulled on his ignition gloves and... SNAP.

Ed got up about five feet away. The blast of flame had lifted him off his feet. Miraculously, the tent was undamaged.

Hawkeye watched and glared at the two of them. Then she grinned. A scary grin. A **creepy** grin. The kind of grin that makes wolfs run away with their tales between their legs.

The men saw this grin and felt their hearts sink. They were now officially doomed.

"BREAKFAST!" Bellowed Hawkeye. The men lined up for they felt was going to their last meal.

While they were eating the Lieutenant informed them of what activity she had prepared for that day. (The reason for the smile.)

"Today you will be doing a scavengers hunt. And, since I figured you wouldn't want to, I hid your valuable possessions."

Here's what Hawkeye took:

Havoc: Cigarettes and Lighter

Breda: Fondue Machine

Falman: Encyclopedia of Military History

Fuery: Laptop and Cell Phone

Armstrong: Precious Family Something-Or-Other

Al: Picture of May (AWWW!)

Ed: State Alchemist Watch

Mustang: Extra pair of Ignition Gloves.

Mustang laughed at the others. "I don't need those!" He giggled. "How much would you like to bet?" Asked Hawkeye as she threw the main pair of Ignition Gloves into the air and shot them full of holes.

Havoc laughed at the way Mustang's face fell like a child's who was just told that Santa doesn't really exist. (He does.)

"Listen up! You're valuables have been placed in brown boxes around the campsite. You are to find the one with your name on it and then return here." She smirked. "There will be prizes. They include not being tormented by me."

The team jumped at that one. 'Not be tormented? AWESOME!' They set off in the general direction of wherever.

Mustang glared at the author "Why'd you have to do that? I was going to have some Royai!" He hissed.

"Yeah, well, it's funnier this way, go back to the story!" the author retorted. Roy returned to the plot and headed out to find his gloves so that he could set the author on fire.

Hawkeye leaned back and took a well deserved nap. By the time she woke up, nothing had happened.

Since the team (And Ed and Al) were still off looking, she decided to do some target practice. She set up her personal targets. She lined up her aim and BLAM.

From the hole in the target she could see Roy's surprised face.

"Sorry!" She called. "You okay?" She continued. "I suppose so, I'm back first, what do I get?" Mustang asked her.

"Hmm, I do believe you get to pick." Hawkeye said faintly.

"What do I want..."

AN: What does Roy want? We won't know till next time! And remember, reviews are the soldier to my boy so please, don't hesitate!


	3. Truth or Dare

AN: Last episode we ended on a tense note between Roy and Riza and now- ah, I can't do it... something funny's bound to happen so let's wait and see, shall we?

"I think that I would like for you to kiss me!" Said Mustang with an air of bravado. He pulled out a rose and did the wiggly eyebrow thing that creepers do. (Well, it COULD happen.)

Hawkeye looked at Roy for a long time. Then she grinned. "Would you like me to do that with or without your subordinates watching?" She laughed.

The Colonel turned around and found that _everyone _was standing behind him. And from their smiles, they had probably just seen the eyebrow thing. Time to save face.

"Ahem, erm, ah, Hawkeye we need to work on that scene for the ummm... play, yes! That play with the scene that goes like that! The one called, ah, A Dramatic Rose! That one!" The Colonel finally fixed on the least embarrassing alternative.

Hawkeye rolled her eyes and then she was struck by a thought. She grinned and winked at the team, Ed and Al.

"So, in that case then Colonel, you don't want to rehearse that scene with me?" She asked him. Colonel Mustang blushed. You heard it here first ladies and gents! He blushed! A fiery red that rivalled his gloves.

Hawkeye didn't want to _completely_ destroy her fearless leader's ego. Rather, she didn't want _much_. So she took pity on the poor guy and kissed him on the cheek.

Now, most people would say that Colonel Roy Mustang didn't know how to smile, that he was an emotionless rock. These people are all liars and you shouldn't listen to them. Seriously, don't.

Because, after he was kissed by Hawkeye, Mustang fainted. No joke. He kinda floated to the ground like a brick. You've seen it before. Don't tell me you haven't, cause you have.

As Al tried to revive Mustang the team and Ed (led by Havoc) badgered Hawkeye about what they had missed, and what was up with that? Hawkeye wouldn't answer anything.

"Why don't you go pester Mustang? I'm making lunch and I still have to plan tomorrow's activities!" She said after about an hour of this.

"Cause you knocked him out, that's why!"

"I did, didn't I?" Hawkeye smiled to herself. And, since that's not usually what you do after you've knocked someone out, the others backed away slowly. Well, slow as you can be when confronted by a scary woman with a gun.

Armstrong, Falman and Fuery felt that they had been left out long enough and that they were going to do something important! However, since the author already had a game plan, they were stuck playing cards.

"Got any aces, Hawkeye?" Asked Falman. Her answer was not long in coming.

BAM.

There was now a large, smoking hole in the deck of cards. Everyone looked at the hole, looked at Hawkeye, who hadn't so much as moved a muscle and then looked back at the hole. There was but one thought on everyone's minds.

"How do you _do _that?" Asked Breda, putting everyone's thoughts into words. Hawkeye snickered. "A magician never reveals her secrets, and anyway, it's ever so much funnier this way." Hawkeye said, grinning as everyone's faces fell.

It was then that Mustang woke up. "What I miss?" He asked groggily. Since no one gave him an answer he shrugged and got up. He looked around for the box containing his second best gloves. However, he couldn't see it.

In fact, he didn't see it till it came flying at his face. Hawkeye had kicked it so fast that no one but her and the author had seen it coming.

But something unforeseen happened. Nature decided to be mean and let Mustang dodge. He executed an epic matrix-style ducking method and swerved to avoid the box while at the same time catching it. Epic.

In fact, Nature was so mean that it even let the Colonel have BACKGROUND music, and not just cool, afternoon music, awesome_ battle _music. So unfair.

As if to make up for this lapse in judgement Mustang then tripped on the tiny orchestra in front of him. They disappeared and the team sniggered.

But they weren't laughing for long. Oh, no. Hawkeye glared them all into submission and announced what fun game they would be playing next.

"We will playing Truth-Or-Dare." She declared. The team groaned. "But that's for girls! Let's play Would-You-Rather!" Havoc demanded. Hawkeye sighed and rolled her eyes. "You're going to play and if you say it's for girls again I may have to slap you. Let's not forget your code name is _Jacqueline_." Hawkeye said gritting her teeth.

Havoc glared silently but didn't object further. So they settled into a circle. "Who wants to start?" Asked Hawkeye in her sweetest 'Volunteer or Else' tone of voice.

Al tentatively raised his hand. Hawkeye beamed at him and signalled for him to begin. "Ed, truth or dare?" Asked Al. "Eh? Oh, truth, I guess..." Ed replied. "Are you and Winry going out?" Asked Al naively. "Erm, ah, well, I uh, yeah." Ed stuttered, blushing bright red. Mustang laughed.

Ed turned on him, ears turning red. "Colonel! Truth or Dare?" Ed wanted to know. Roy didn't seem to know what to do. "So may choices so little time?" He said hopefully. "Just pick one!" Cried the rest of them. "Hey! Isn't it lunch time?" Mustang pointed out, still hopeful. "GET ON WITH IT!" The team roared.

"Fine then, don't have to be so pithy (look it up) about it. I pick, um, dare." He finally ventured. The Fullmetal Alchemist smiled, an evil smile, a **creepy** smile (Hey. Didn't we go through this with Hawkeye? Thought so. Let's just skip to the question.)

"I dare you to go wear a miniskirt and halter top all of tomorrow and they must be pink. You must do so wearing makeup." Ed triumphantly finished. Mustang groaned.

"Havoc, truth or dare?" Mustang asked glumly. Seeing this, Havoc went out on a limb. "Dare?" He asked hesitantly. "You're going to be dressed as a vampire tomorrow then, cloak, makeup, fangs, everything." Mustang said, perking up a bit.

Havoc then took out his anger at this injustice by turning on Breda, who turned on Fuery and eventually, we end up with Falman asking Hawkeye "Truth or dare?" Hawkeye looked at their expectant faces. "Well, you'll all be wearing skirts tomorrow so I'm not saying dare... guess it's truth then." She stated calmly. Falman glanced around and everyone shared a look.

"How much do you like the Colonel?"

AN: Ha! I think I've figured this out! Just have to give you a bit of a cliffhanger and you keep reading. I'm evil. :) Remember, reviews are the Pop to my Corn so keep 'em coming!


	4. An Unexpected Visit

AN: My, I've been getting a lot of writing done lately... must be because I don't have a life... :) Oh, and I don't own F.M.A...

"Could you repeat the question?" Asked Hawkeye in a strained voice. The team shared yet another glance and decided to keep going. Falman thought about it and figured that if he was going to be shot, he might as well die laughing.

"How much do you like the Colonel?" He asked. Hawkeye stared into the distance. She thought about what she was going to say.

He's the only family I have left, and anything between myself and him is strictly personal. Take it further than that and you'll regret it." She said absentmindedly.

The men looked at each other. Since they now had proof there was no need to keep going, besides, they liked their faces the way they were. "Hawkeye, your turn." Al pointed out.

"Very well then." She replied. "Havoc, you seem to be the brains of the operation, truth or dare?" She asked coldly. "Ummm, dare, I guess?" He said warily.

Hawkeye smirked. "Excellent, I dare you to go for two months without a cigarette." Havoc got really, really pale. He looked around for help but none was coming.

He looked at Hawkeye, but she just leaned back with an unusually happy smile, considering that she may have just hammered the last nail into Havoc's coffin.

Mustang was glad that the subject was away from him. This was a new experience for him and he still wasn't used to it. He then decided that it was time for something new. Then, he had an idea (Uh oh.)

"How about we go for a hike? I hear it's good for you!" Was the brilliant idea Mustang had. Or, maybe not so brilliant. In fact, Fullmetal looked at Mustang like he had just grown a second head.

Hawkeye had gone hiking a lot when she was little, actually, about half the team had. It was the _other _half that she was worried about. Fuery, Falman, Mustang, Ed and Al were the ones who were doomed.

Taking this information in stride, Hawkeye ran a brief hiking Q&A to answer their questions. "So, if you step on a snake, do you apologize or do you just run away?"

Al asked naively. Havoc could be seen in the back of the shot, banging his head against the wall.

Hawkeye breathed deeply and said "Watch out for snakes and don't step on them." "But what if you do step on-" "JUST DON'T, okay?" This was how the exchange went.

After answering a few more (ridiculous) questions, they set out on their hike. Little did the poor, beleaguered team now, but Hawkeye had purposefully picked the only trail that took four hours.

**Two Hours After Departure...**

Everyone was getting pretty tired (except Hawkeye) and by now, they were all whining. "I'm tired, can we go back?" or "Are we there yet?" Were the common complaints. Hawkeye rolled her eyes and forged on.

"Take a look around, take in the beauty, look at the wildlife." Hawkeye answered, every time. They looked, they got over it. They started stomping on the flowers on purpose.

**Four Hours After Departure...**

By now, everyone had lost all sense of self. They put one foot forward. Step on flower. One foot forward. Step on a squirrel. Another foot forward... (you get the idea.)

And then they finally got back and, well, how to put this so as to save everyone's manly pride. There is no good way of putting this. They all swooned. Every single one of them except Hawkeye, of course. Not just that, but Breda and Havoc even put their hands on their brows dramatically.

They stayed like that for a bit. But just when you thought it was going to be boring, the author had an epiphany. So, the homunculus suddenly appeared in front of the so called 'Best of Eastern HQ.'

Envy glanced around and muttered 'pansies' under his breath. Ed came to just so he could take offence at this. He even went so far as to say "_We're _the pansies? You're to one in the belly top and the skirt!" Ed yelled. Envy's grin faded for a bit but after a second, it came back full force.

"Edward, brother, you are a pansy, because if I'm not much mistaken, you're going to be wearing a dress tomorrow, aren't you?" Drawled the Palm-Tree of the Fullmetal Alchemist universe.

"And now." Declared Pride, "We are going to defeat you!" Everyone snickered. Please keep in mind that this is the manga and so they were just threatened by a seven year-old-boy.

"Hey! President Bradley! You're a homunculus?" Everyone yelled in unison. Now it was Greed's turn to bang his head against the wall.

Hawkeye and Mustang looked at each other, they looked at the homunculus and then back at each other. Mustang grinned and pulled a mysterious-horn-of-some-kind out nowhere. Still smiling, he tossed said horn to Hawkeye, who blew into in.

Almost immediately the ground began to rumble. All but Mustang and Hawkeye scanned the immediate area for threats. The threat was not long in coming. From around the corner a group of homunculus fan girls appeared.

The homunculus were quickly overwhelmed by the swarm of fans. They were put on the shoulders of the fans and were quickly carried away. Their epic powers were no match for the obsessive power of the fans.

The Team of Eastern HQ stared at Hawkeye and Mustang. "What is THAT? And where can I get one?" Asked Ed. Hawkeye just shrugged and started making dinner.

The men turned to the Col but he just mouthed 'She won't tell me where she found it.' So they were left in the endless torment of not knowing where the formidable weapon was found.

So, since all the interesting stuff had already passed, they brought out the arts and crafts that Hawkeye had prepared. Thus it came to pass that the manly men of the Amestris military (and the Elrics) decorated their own t-shirts.

Hawkeye had purposefully packed only a few colours so the team was stuck with some lovely pink and purple shirts. They were quite adorable. Ed transmuted his into sword.

Hawkeye gave them all their dinner and thought about whether she would tell them about the fan-horn.

AN: Hmmm, not sure what I think of this chapter... oh... and where do you think the horn came from? Reviews are the Watson to my Sherlock so keep reviewing!


	5. Charades

AN: I've decided! Hawkeye's not going to tell the team but I will tell you. She got the horn at AnimeNorth. She went through a portal and got it as an award for best costume. :)

Hawkeye waited for a bit to see how long it would take for the team to start whining about being bored. She didn't have to wait long. Havoc started everyone of with "Did anyone bring something to do? I haven't been this bored since... last week!" okay, didn't say it was a _good_ complaint.

Hawkeye rolled her eyes and went to go get something. She came back carrying a giant duffel bag. The team was mystified for a few minutes as to what she was going to do to entertain them. Al could be seen in the back of the shot, playing with a cat.

Hawkeye brought out two objects from her bag. A book and a deck of cards. She held up both and asked "Would you prefer to listen to a story or play charades?" Ed looked at the team, they looked at each other. A decision was made.

"Charades." was the unanimous answer. Hawkeye gently put the book back into the bag and shuffled the deck of cards. It was revealed that the cards had things that could be acted out on them. The Lieutenant announced that she would act as referee and score keeper.

She then divided the guys into two teams. It went like this:

Team 1:

Breda

Falman

Armstrong

Ed

Team 2

Fuery

Mustang

Havoc

Al

Hawkeye informed them of the rules. "No talking, no mouthing the words. You may not tell your team what you're doing and the card you pick is the card you act. Both teams may guess. Get it?"

Everyone nodded and then Ed of course immediately sat down and glared at Mustang. This was going to be aggravating. Hawkeye brought out her stopwatch and said "Rock-Paper-Scissors, winning team gets to go first." Ed and Mustang stepped up and began the battle.

After a long time and a whole lot of 'best two-out-of-three' etc. Ed finally gave up. (Mustang was very good at Rock-Paper-Scissors) So Team 2 went first. Havoc was voluntold to go first.

Havoc drew a card from the deck and looked embarrassed. He took it to Hawkeye and after a brief conversation he returned and began. He mimed putting on shoes and then walked around on tip-toes. He tripped a lot. "High Heels!" cried Falman. Everyone gave him the how-did-you-know-that look.

Hawkeye quietly put down a tick mark for team 1. Ed grabbed a card and got up to act it out. It wasn't till he had stopped glaring at everyone that he looked down at said card. He gulped. The author leaned back in her chair and grinned.

Ed mimed something mid-thigh. He got blank stares. He mimed being a girl. Still nothing. Not being able to think of anything else he pointed desperately at Mustang. This got a reaction. Mustang jumped up screaming "TINY MINI-SKIRT!"

Hawkeye calmly put down a tick mark for team 2. This went on for a few hours with such demonstrations of acting ability as when Al had 'Bunny Rabbit' or when Mustang had 'Hamlet' finally it was down to a tie.

Ed and Roy glared at the board. Hawkeye sighed and put down her chalk (where did the board come from? Oh, right, Hawkeye's magical bag...) she drew out a card and announced "Since it's a tie, I'll act something for you to guess. First team, to guess correctly wins."

Teams 1 and 2 prepared to guess. Hawkeye mimed pulling something out of her pocket. She pretended to pull on a coat and hat. She used her imaginary object to scour the ground. She stopped every few feet to examine the trail. The teams were stumped.

Hawkeye mimed finding something and jumping in the air. Blank stares. She had told them to read more literature. She headed back on the trail of whatever it was and then calmly mimed sitting down. She mimed smoking a pipe and thinking. Nothing.

The author felt that it was pretty obvious at this point and glared at the teams. They glared back. Said author motioned fro Hawkeye to continue.

Hawkeye mimed talking to someone else and noticing things about the person's clothes. She didn't even bother looking at the team this time. She simply got up and said "Due to the fact that no of you know what I'm doing, I win." finally, they showed a reaction.

"It's not our fault! No one could guess what you were doing! I still don't know!" cried Breda. Everyone but Al nodded in agreement. Hawkeye looked at Al. He mumbled "Were you Sherlock Holmes, Lieutenant?" this made Hawkeye smile.

"Looks like I don't win after all. Team 2, you're the winners. You'd best be thanking Al." Hawkeye said, putting one final tick on the Team 2 side of the board. Ed stared in disbelief at his little brother.

Hawkeye began making dinner for the day. Mustang and the rest looked at each other and began talking. "Sherlock Holmes? Wasn't that the book Hawkeye brought?" was the general consensus. So, it'd probably avoid her wrath if they let her read it.

Hawkeye finished up with her cooking. She brought over the plates (and the food) to the men (and Ed) she had made them stew.

The team ate their dinner. They waited until Hawkeye had finished eating to ask "So, um, could you read us that story?" Hawkeye put down her bowl. "Are you just asking to that I don't injure you severely for not knowing Sherlock Holmes?" she asked.

The team gulped. Al, however, was unable to hear threats, so he just said "Yes, that's why they want you to read it, do you mind?" (no one can stay angry at Al) Hawkeye shook her head and grabbed her book.

She read them 'A Study In Scarlet' it took a few hours, but other than that, the team, surprisingly, seemed to enjoy it. Actually, they _were_ enjoying it. The brightest and best of Eastern HQ were now fans of Sherlock Holmes.

The author read over the last sentence and groaned. Sounds so cheesy. Back to the story. Everyone went to bed. As per usual, Ed was snoring in minutes but Mustang had some questions for Hawkeye. "Lieutenant?" he asked "Yes?" she replied. "Where did you get the horn?" "Sorry, sir, that's confidential." Mustang sighed. "Then can you tell me whether the story you told yesterday was true?"

This last question made Hawkeye turn around "I don't think you want to know. Some things don't need and answer." she said sadly.

AN: What do you think? Wasn't that sentence cheesy? Please keep in mind, reviews are the Vengeance to my Inigo Montoya so please do!


	6. Dress Up

AN: It's my hope that you all enjoy reading this next chapter as much as I enjoyed thinking about it! P.S. I know I didn't mention a lot of the outfits, but I hope I'm not disappointing anyone's dreams.

Roy woke to the smell of Hotdogs. He groggily rose from bed and wandered outside. Not thinking clearly, he walked into the table. He looked up and found to his surprise that Hawkeye had been very busy last night. They were doomed.

You see, Hawkeye had enlisted Al in creating the outfits that had been described during truth or dare. Namely, she had gotten the materials and he had transmuted them into lovely dresses and skirts. The rest of the team made their way outside. Havoc's cigarette fell to the ground.

Because lying before them was a row of dresses, skirts and blouses. Ed could be seen looking down the row and counting the number of people. Hawkeye pointed to the clothes. "You were all dimwitted enough to agree to this, so I suggest you go get changed." she said commandingly.

The men trooped of to the tents to put on the clothes. Armstrong was the first one out, and he looked quite lovely in a floor-length sequin-covered number. Ed was after in a beautiful red cocktail dress. Hawkeye smirked.

Havoc and Breda came out next in the most inspirational articles yet. Havoc was decked out in what looked like a giant cigarette. Breda was wearing a dress completely made out of hotdogs. Seriously. Think of those fancy fashion shows. Just like that.

Fuery literally waltzed out, in a wonderful old-fashioned dress. He looked like a miniature Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady. If you don't know what that is, look it up. Not kidding, it's funnier if you do.

Hawkeye had been dared to wear a skirt. She had obliged. That's not the best part. The great Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang, walked out of his tent in his favourite article of clothing. He was wearing a mid-thigh mini-skirt. And a shirt worthy of Envy's wardrobe.

And THAT'S not even the best part. The best part is that when he walked out in that getup, Hawkeye, the emotionless Lieutenant, had but one thing to say:

"ALL MALE OFFICERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO WEAR, TINY MINI-SKIRTS!" she boomed, striking the trademarked Roy-Mustang-Miniskirt pose. Everyone sweat-dropped. Really, that was unusually OOC of the author. Mustang decided to bring this up in the next story-planning meeting.

The sudden silence was broken by Ed. He sniggered pretended to do the Mustang hand snap at the team. They responded by pretending to burst into flames. Hawkeye lapsed back into her usual stony-faced exterior.

Mustang looked helplessly around him as his subordinates (and Ed) mercilessly mocked him. He glanced at Hawkeye. She had just become very preoccupied. The rest of the team did too. Because, it's not that Mustang being mocked isn't hilarious, but it's much funnier if one of Falman's old 'buddies' showed up.

And so it was that Barry the Chopper showed up to say hello to Hawkeye. "Hiya sweetie! Ya miss me?" he yelled, chopping down trees as he raced towards the camp. Falman face-palmed. Hawkeye rolled her eyes.

Raising her gun, Hawkeye focused in on Barry's face. He leaped into the clearing and went to give her a hug. She shot him repeatedly. But, knowing Barry, it did nothing, so he just kept in coming. Hawkeye flipped him onto the ground.

Havoc and Breda looked at each other. They looked at Barry. They struck up a conversation "Really couldn't stand up to the Lieutenant could he?" Havoc said "Nope, looks like he couldn't. Though, really, didn't think he would." Breda replied.

Hawkeye put down her gun. She glared threateningly at the two men. "Really, I don't think the two of you girls are in any position to comment on his situation, wouldn't you say so?" she asked, gesturing to their dresses.

Barry hadn't noticed the gowns. He looked everyone up and down. He shrugged and decided to leave the weirdos to themselves. "Sorry, ladies, gotta go. Places to go, people to chop you know how it is." he said and ran in the direction he had come.

Al glared at the retreating psychopath. Hawkeye did too. Then she turned round to face the rest of the fancily clothed men. They fidgeted uncomfortably and avoided eye contact. Mustang broke the silence. "So, I know that a major character just burst in for no apparent reason and then left. How about we just pretend this never happened?"

Everyone nodded "And after all," Hawkeye said "At least we aren't using your code names. Right Jacqueline, Kate?" she pointed out, looking at Havoc and Fuery. Havoc responded the best way he knew how. Namely, he swore her ears off. Fuery just looked at a picture of Black Hayate. (Awww!)

After Havoc had finished showing off his knowledge of all profanity known to mankind he glared murderously at the Lieutenant. She shrugged and began polishing her gun. Ed suddenly remembered that everyone was in feminine clothing. He got an idea.

You know what Ed did next? Well, he took out his camera and snapped a few shots. These were going all over town. Well, they don't call 'em the brightest and best for nothing you know. Those guys had the camera obliterated and Ed very close to it in nothing flat.

Let's rewind and go in slow-motion so that you can see the epic action sequence! Breda grabbed Ed and didn't let go till he dropped the camera. Fuery dismantled it, Havoc shot it and Armstrong crushed it to smithereens. Then Mustang snapped his fingers and wiped it off the face of the earth forever. They stood for a moment looking quite triumphant.

Al and Hawkeye face-palmed. They looked at each other and nodded. Hawkeye addressed (no pun intended) the rest of them. "Ladies and gentlemen- no, just ladies, we are pleased to announce that we will now be holding a fashion show!"

This earned her a few blank stares. Then reality sunk in. The light dawned on their faces and looks of cold horror settled in for a nice long nap. They looked around but there was no one to save them from the terror.

Hawkeye quickly (with the help of Al) set up a runway. She ushered them all on and they stood there awkwardly for a bit. Finally, since no one else had done it, Armstrong took the first step...

AN: This is going to be SO funny! I hope you all enjoyed that. I'm thinking maybe one or two more chapters for this one and then it will be finished. I was struck by a thought while writing this. What do you think of Hughes's theme-song being 'Only The Good Die Young' ? Because every time I think of it I always laugh... :)


	7. Sing, Sing a song

AN: Please note, there is going to be songs in here. Fair warning. One song is called 'I'm a Mustang' and was composed by Michael Popek. This song is not mine, nor is Fullmetal Alchemist. :( he rest I can't tell you about. :)

Now, Armstrong was not a very bright person. But he did know an opportunity when he saw one. He knew that he could perhaps become a lead character if he did this, so... he pirouetted down the catwalk. He stopped at the end and did his trademarked sparkly face pose. He strutted back down the walkway and grinned.

The men regarded him for a moment. Havoc and Breda shrugged and did the same. Except that when they reached the end, instead of contracting Sparkly-Face-Syndrome, they just mimed smoking a cigarette and eating a hotdog. It was great.

Next up to bat was Fuery and Falman. They awkwardly shuffled forward, waited a moment, and shuffled back. Fuery fainted. Hawkeye had to revive him by waving one of Havoc's old socks over his nose. He almost fainted a second time after a few minutes of that.

Ed and Mustang went last. I kid you not. They elbowed and pushed each other to make it to the end first. Mustang won. He shoved Ed off of the stage. Fantastic. They then were about to burst into a verse of 'Anything You Can, I Can Do Better' when Hawkeye announced that there was to be a tie.

"WHAT?" was the general consensus. The men glared murderously at her. "Now, now, ladies, no need to get so upset. We're going to have a tie-breaker so the two winners who happen to be Mustang and Armstrong will be singing us a song of their choosing.

The two winners took a minute to comprehend this news. And the moment of revelation is always the best. This time it was when Mustang's face got really, really pale and Armstrong jumped up and down like a little girl. Hawkeye let them know that they would have four hours to pick a song and practice. They would perform over dinner.

Mustang tottered off to a corner somewhere to go decide. Armstrong did the same. Hawkeye leaned back in her chair and took a nap.

To give you a bit of a surprise, the author has decided to not tell you what the songs are till they perform. Lets' just say that they are very well suited to the characters. (Hopefully.)

**Four Hours Later**

Hawkeye saw just setting the tables when she saw Mustang and Armstrong briskly walking towards the tables. She smiled to herself. Looks like this was not such a bad idea after all. Mustang approached her and whispered what song he'd be doing. She nodded and went back to setting the table.

Once everyone had been seated and were waiting expectantly, Hawkeye announced that they would begin. Armstrong bounced onto the stage and sparkled with all he had. He started into his song.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and BRIGHT! And I pity, any girl who isn't me tonight! I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel! And so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real!" and so on.

This earned him a face-palm-sweat-drop from everyone. But really, you should have been there. He danced and hopped around the stage like a fairy. I huge, sparkly fairy. Scratch that. He looked like Edward Cullen only tougher. And in a dress. (Go on, picture that. The story can wait while you do)

Mustang's turn was next. Everyone couldn't help but hope it was better then the last one. Gulp. He cleared his throat and began.

"I fell in to a burning ring of fire. I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher. And it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Fire. The Ring of Fire." and so on. While doing this, he snapped his fingers and created, well, a burning ring of fire.

The men didn't know what was worse. Watching Armstrong dance or getting their eyebrows singed off. In the end, it seems the hated Mustang's singing the least. So, he ended up winning. Yippee. He stood up and was about to begin his acceptance speech when Hawkeye cut him off.

"Take down the site! We're going back now!" she barked out. The men snapped to and the campsite was down in minutes. Four minutes to be exact. They loaded it all into Armstrong's van and set off towards HQ.

On the way back, Mustang figured that he would grace the team with his golden voice again. And, with a song that he himself had composed. Everyone turned around (even the driver, so they (swerved a bit). Hawkeye whipped a guitar out of no where and began strumming. Mustang warmed up his voice and sang:

"I belong to a special family, here at Eastern HQ.

It's a place where I can be who I want to be, here at Eastern HQ.

Everybody that you will meet's a subordinate, here at Eastern HQ.

We care for and protect each other down here at Eastern HQ.

Cause I'm Roy MUSTANG. Proud and glad to be here at Eastern HQ.

Yes I'm Roy MUSTANG. Wild and free to be me at Eastern HQ."

Hawkeye put away her guitar while the Colonel bowed to his (not) adoring crowd. Thankfully, before he could start another song, they arrived. Ed did a brief repeat performance of what he did when they had got to the campsite. Remember? He jumped otu and kissed the ground. He did that this time too.

Mustang scratched his head as to why he was behaving this way. Ah, well. Hawkeye was about to leave when he caught up to her. "Hey, Lieutenant, there was a profound lack of Royai in this chapter. Would you like to fix that? I mean, uh, erm, ah, would you g-go out with me?" he stuttered.

Hawkeye let him squirm for a moment. She then said "Yes. But only if you finish your paperwork." Mustang nodded excitedly and ran inside to do so. Hawkeye shook her head and followed after him.

AN: What do you think? That's it for this story! Gosh, I'm so sad! :( Thought I must say, I really like it when Mustang sings... and, I really, REALLY am a fan of Royai so I felt I had to put that last bit in there. By the way, any of you actually picture Cullen in a dress? Because I think I'm scarred for life now.


End file.
